Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
You Might Also Like
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
me when I see my crush
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
This rocks
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.