Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
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Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
me irl