I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
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Ok, but like, how married are you?
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
When I find myself in times of trouble
Tinnitus it comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom,
“Eeeeeeeeeeee”
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends