Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
You Might Also Like
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
see you in hell you stupid fruit
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
Good dog. ❤️
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
@Capt_Spanky’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”