I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
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If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
The government even made aliens boring
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.