Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
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Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.