Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
You Might Also Like
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
the dark web is just a goth google.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.