never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
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🤣dope
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”