Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
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My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh