Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
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I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it