Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
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Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
If only.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.