My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
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@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Not today, today.
Not today.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Okey dokey.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.