As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
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doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge