I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
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Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up