My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
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At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?