me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
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dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.