You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
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My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon