My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
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Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
Nice try, NASA
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.