The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
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you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.