what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
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some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.