Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
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Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
going to the ER y’all need anything
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff