Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
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sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.