SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
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I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Love this guy
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
So glad we cleared that up
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.