My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
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my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
I believe the plural is “milves.”
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.