My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
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No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.