FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
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Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
I know
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.