me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
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I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
a lot to unpack here
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
wishing you and yours all the best
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords