[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
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Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.