Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
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I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”