Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
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Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.