doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
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cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?