Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
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money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
spot the difference
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out