I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
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cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
Ken is short for chicken
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.