Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
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My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Sponch
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Hear me out: his and hers houses.