My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
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There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Netflix and you sit over there.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.