LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
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Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Ron is short for Aaronald
Are you ok, human???
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”