Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
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I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
New favorite tiktok
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”