Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
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Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”