What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
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police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table