Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
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CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan