I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
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Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Basketball games are very squeaky.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
found this cool rock hiking today
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.