i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
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Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.