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older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Always 🥴
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*