If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
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My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Google Pay be like:
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown