*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
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SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake