me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
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wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
A man of commitment.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?