*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
You Might Also Like
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Room with a view.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
same vibe as tangled headphones
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what