When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
You Might Also Like
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
The big book of baby names but for safe words
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Self-cleaning conscience
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”