I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
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My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?