me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
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Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no